• Former Victim of Domestic Violence Stabbed New Partner after a row – Tina Royles – Domestic Violence Expert


    A former victim of domestic violence stabbed her new partner after a row in which he slapped her. Her new partner received life threatening injuries but managed to pull through. The former victim of domestic violence has admitted attempted murder and is awaiting her sentence.

    As a former victim of domestic violence myself I know only too well that the inner turmoil and impact of domestic violence does not stop when you leave the abusive relationship, the damage has been inflicted both physically, emotionally and psychologically and cannot be dismissed or swept away under the carpet to sort itself out.

    Many victims of domestic violence have learnt to deal with the incidents of domestic violence by utilising coping strategies (whether healthy or unhealthy) in order to negotiate their way through being in the abusive relationship. Therefore for a number of victims once they have left the relationship they feel that they can manage and cope with whatever life brings them next, some might tap into the support of any friends and family, but some do not access any support or help and continue to manage or attempt to manage the inner turmoil themselves.

    Despite leaving the relationship and the difficulties they faced in the relationship, the victim will still experience ‘loss’, this might be loss of their identity, loss of the relationship they had hoped for, loss of their surroundings, loss of the ‘norm’ that they had experienced and as they work through the process of loss they will experience a number of key pivotal stages DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION, ACCEPTANCE. (Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, 1969  On Death and Dying)

    Now the difficulty with these such stages are that unless the victim can identify and recognise the emotions that they are experiences, and perhaps utilise key skills they have gained through life to work through these emotions in a healthy way, the victim can get stuck at key stages, and unless they get the appropriate help to work through these ‘sticking points’ they can get stuck there for not just months, but years, and for some indefinitely.

    From my former roles with domestic violence particularly as a Police Domestic Violence Officer, as a psychotherapist with my own private therapy centre specialising in domestic violence and relationship difficulties, and also from my own personal experience there are particularly two stages that individuals find it  difficult to reach out and get help for; whether thats help through friends and family or whether thats professional help from a trained counsellor or psychotherapist specialising in domestic violence and its complexities are ANGER and DEPRESSION.

    WHY – because there still is a perceived stigma associated with ANGER and DEPRESSION therefore a victim (and also perpetrators of domestic violence) are often reluctant to get help for these two stages through fear of shame, fear of failure, and fear of being judged.

    HOWEVER it is VITAL that both victims and perpetrators get help in order to explore and work through these emotions, and find healthier coping strategies and mechanisms for managing these emotions in order to work through the stages, and reach the point of ACCEPTANCE, letting go and moving on, in order to begin to live their life the way they want to and are not restricted by the triggers, experiences and traumatic memories.

    BECAUSE of the complexities involved with domestic violence it is IMPORTANT to ensure that the counsellor or psychotherapist has in-depth knowledge, experience and skill set to work with victims (and also perpetrators of domestic violence) in order to manage these complexities and not open up a victim and leave them more vulnerable and in a difficult place.  There are many counsellors out there that state they work with victims of domestic violence in order to attract more clients to their services or practice, and often these said counsellors have attended a half day course or a one day course to learn about domestic violence. These such courses might give them a basic understanding from an informational perspective but it in my opinion based on my professional background, experience, skill set and qualifications (see relevant page on website) this will not be enough to help a victim deal with such complexities, neither will the fact that the counsellor or psychotherapist has experienced domestic violence themselves, yes this will provide them with an element of empathy, but everyones experience of domestic violence will be different there may be elements of similarities and common themes but everyones experience will be difference.

    So it is important that if you or someone that you know are seeking counselling for work around domestic violence that you ask the counsellor or psychotherapist about their background, their experience (whether professional, academic, & personal) their knowledge and qualifications in order to establish whether you or someone that you know are comfortable with working with such an individual.

    This experience is important *”in order for them to provide a safe environment to explore and to enable a platform from which you {victim} can start to recover and heal. If these pieces are left broken and damaged, they will continue throughout your life to cause you harm and in effect they have the potential to become the ticking time bomb inside you. Leaving a domestic violence relationship, or when you are thinking of leaving, heightens the risk of danger and vulnerability. It is vital and paramount that you seek help to protect yourself and any children. When safe to do so take action, reach out and get the help and support you deserve. With appropriate help and support, and above all the safety measures in place, you can begin to move forward, to rebuild your life, recover and heal from the impact. Don’t let the impact and effects of domestic violence destroy or kill you or someone that you love”

    (excerpt taken from p 247 ‘When the Apple of Your Eye is Rotten at the Core’ by Tina Royles MA)



    details on the article relating to former victim stabbing new partner please see the link below:


    For further details around Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross work please visit the website:












    About Tina Royles

    Connet with me: Google+ Tina Royles is the UKs leading expert in domestic violence offering Domestic Violence Counselling, Relationship Counselling and Anger as well as Stress Management Counselling. She is one of the UK’s most qualified and experienced domestic violence experts providing consultancy and advice to those who have suffered domestic violence, are currently in violent relationships or to friends and family of those affected. Tina provides the materials and tools to manage relationship difficulties and domestic violence through awareness and education and is regularly called upon by the national and local press to provide expert comments on high profile cases. Tina Royles

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